The Core

 nostalgia.  it’s been my shadow lately.  it’s not an unfamiliar companion although it seems, as i grow up, that saying goodbye gets harder, rather than easier.  you would think more practice would make me better at it, but no.  it’s probably because each time i say goodbye, i don’t really let go.  i’ve been told that that’s a problem.  i believe it.  i really do and i’ve been trying to convince myself that life moves in seasons, and that that’s okay.  but the thought life as a circle game is really depressing, despite the fact that God is constant.  having people come and go so quickly sometimes makes it feel like investing in so many relationships isn’t worth the pain of losing them after all.  although i’ve spent the year trying to convince others and convince myself of the opposite.  change is scary.

and as i sit here in my room i would like to attribute this bittersweet feeling of nostalgia – this nauseous feeling of not having completely moved on from high school and now saying goodbye to university friends, to someone, to something.  the end of the year, perhaps.  ends of years always make me feel that way.  but something i’ve realized is that there is no one to blame.  you can’t blame God.  you can’t blame the person.  you can’t even blame the circumstance.  because you know what — although the horrible feeling of saying goodbye is real, it is only my own fault for not getting out of the mire and letting go of the past.  letting go doesn’t mean stop caring, but it does mean giving 100% to the people that surround you at the moment — everyday, till the last minute you’re with them.  it means to be 100%  fully there when you’re somewhere, rather than living in the past.

and it’s easy to isolate yourself.  it’s easy to sit in your room turn up the slow jams and reminisce, throwing your future self a pity party.  it’s especially easy when you have a pile of work awaiting effort you just do not want to give.   but i guess that’s not recognizing that the end of something is the beginning of something else.  of new things.  of firsts.  and its not treasuring all those new blessings God has placed in your life.  it’s not living moment by moment, fully appreciating each moment and the blessing in every breath.  and it’s hard.  it is so hard.  but no one ever said that life would be easy.

high school was like some idyllic ending to a years-long summer camp.  maybe because we were all living on the promises that we’d keep in touch, i don’t know.  or maybe it’s just that high school never really ended.  when we’re back in toronto it’s like we re-live high school normality all over again.  but this, this is like some terrible season finale on a prime time drama, where some main character leaves for somewhere and you’re not sure they will be back for an episode in the future.. maybe not at all.  you can’t be certain.  this is what it is like.  summer camp, but more tragic.  i don’t know, that’s a horrible metaphor.  sigh.

aren’t you glad that God never leaves us?  cause i sure am.

i don’t think i can take anymore goodbyes.

i was reminded the other day of the importance of a singing a new song in our walk with Christ.  before i continue, let me explain myself — it’s not about the physical.  it is not crucial that we find or write a new song to express the now.. both old and new “tunes” can suffice.  but the concept of singing a new song is that old songs can become new again.  that we are willing to let God’s grace teach us lessons that we thought we thought we had already mastered.  it’s recognizing that we, in fact, have not learned those lessons completely yet, but that God’s grace catches us every time we fall (because we think we know it all) and prods us to continue to seek for a deeper life. 

 and then we are revitalized again as we rediscover and relearn things (that we thought we knew about God) for the first time.  again.  and again. and again. and again.

i think often in our spiritual walks, or at least in mine, i find that i come to a point of “maturity” in life where i say to certain spiritual lessons.. “been there, done that” and i assume that i know what God wants for my life in a certain situation or circumstance.  but i’ve found that there is no joy in knowing.  after a while, just plain knowing gets old.  because the material is old.  the songs are old.  the words that i speak in my heart and from my lips are old.  but once i get up off my high horse and come down, i come to a place where i’m ready to admit that i don’t know everything or anything… and then God’s joy is again revealed to me. 

i find time and again that joy comes from learning.  from being the person absorbing what someone more knowledgeable has to say and think and seeing how that truth is revealed in my own life.  and that someone is not just anyone.. although brothers and sisters have a lot of wonderful things to say.. that someone is God.  who once i lay my heart at His feet and am willing for Him to teach me, truly teach me — without interjecting all the things i think i already know about Him into what He has to say — i find that He renews old words for me, He places in my heart a new song!  and it is so wonderful that my heart can’t stop singing again of how great God is.

how great He is — regardless of circumstance, our own shortcomings, the big things and small things that affect our life.  it’s not about that.  He is not great because He fixes the bad things that happen to us.  He is not great because He provides a way.  He is not great because He has a plan.  He is not great because he showers us with blessings.  no.  He is great because that’s who He is.  isn’t that amazing?!  it just absolutely confounds me!

now i’m not in the habit of pasting long long passages or songs to follow an already sizable post.  but i found this and thought that there was no part in it in which i could create a break.  so here it is.  the whole psalm.  because it’s not only the first two verses that are important — but what follows after as well.  sing to the Lord a new song!

Psalm 96

 1 Sing to the LORD a new song;
       sing to the LORD, all the earth.

 2 Sing to the LORD, praise his name;
       proclaim his salvation day after day.

 3 Declare his glory among the nations,
       his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

 4 For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
       he is to be feared above all gods.

 5 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
       but the LORD made the heavens.

 6 Splendor and majesty are before him;
       strength and glory are in his sanctuary.

 7 Ascribe to the LORD, O families of nations,
       ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.

 8 Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
       bring an offering and come into his courts.

 9 Worship the LORD in the splendor of his ^[a] holiness;
       tremble before him, all the earth.

 10 Say among the nations, “The LORD reigns.”
       The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved;
       he will judge the peoples with equity.

 11 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
       let the sea resound, and all that is in it;

 12 let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them.
       Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy;

 13 they will sing before the LORD, for he comes,
       he comes to judge the earth.
       He will judge the world in righteousness
       and the peoples in his truth.