The Core

the end is the beginning

 nostalgia.  it’s been my shadow lately.  it’s not an unfamiliar companion although it seems, as i grow up, that saying goodbye gets harder, rather than easier.  you would think more practice would make me better at it, but no.  it’s probably because each time i say goodbye, i don’t really let go.  i’ve been told that that’s a problem.  i believe it.  i really do and i’ve been trying to convince myself that life moves in seasons, and that that’s okay.  but the thought life as a circle game is really depressing, despite the fact that God is constant.  having people come and go so quickly sometimes makes it feel like investing in so many relationships isn’t worth the pain of losing them after all.  although i’ve spent the year trying to convince others and convince myself of the opposite.  change is scary.

and as i sit here in my room i would like to attribute this bittersweet feeling of nostalgia – this nauseous feeling of not having completely moved on from high school and now saying goodbye to university friends, to someone, to something.  the end of the year, perhaps.  ends of years always make me feel that way.  but something i’ve realized is that there is no one to blame.  you can’t blame God.  you can’t blame the person.  you can’t even blame the circumstance.  because you know what — although the horrible feeling of saying goodbye is real, it is only my own fault for not getting out of the mire and letting go of the past.  letting go doesn’t mean stop caring, but it does mean giving 100% to the people that surround you at the moment — everyday, till the last minute you’re with them.  it means to be 100%  fully there when you’re somewhere, rather than living in the past.

and it’s easy to isolate yourself.  it’s easy to sit in your room turn up the slow jams and reminisce, throwing your future self a pity party.  it’s especially easy when you have a pile of work awaiting effort you just do not want to give.   but i guess that’s not recognizing that the end of something is the beginning of something else.  of new things.  of firsts.  and its not treasuring all those new blessings God has placed in your life.  it’s not living moment by moment, fully appreciating each moment and the blessing in every breath.  and it’s hard.  it is so hard.  but no one ever said that life would be easy.

high school was like some idyllic ending to a years-long summer camp.  maybe because we were all living on the promises that we’d keep in touch, i don’t know.  or maybe it’s just that high school never really ended.  when we’re back in toronto it’s like we re-live high school normality all over again.  but this, this is like some terrible season finale on a prime time drama, where some main character leaves for somewhere and you’re not sure they will be back for an episode in the future.. maybe not at all.  you can’t be certain.  this is what it is like.  summer camp, but more tragic.  i don’t know, that’s a horrible metaphor.  sigh.

aren’t you glad that God never leaves us?  cause i sure am.

i don’t think i can take anymore goodbyes.

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