Filed under: jubilee
nostalgia. it’s been my shadow lately. it’s not an unfamiliar companion although it seems, as i grow up, that saying goodbye gets harder, rather than easier. you would think more practice would make me better at it, but no. it’s probably because each time i say goodbye, i don’t really let go. i’ve been told that that’s a problem. i believe it. i really do and i’ve been trying to convince myself that life moves in seasons, and that that’s okay. but the thought life as a circle game is really depressing, despite the fact that God is constant. having people come and go so quickly sometimes makes it feel like investing in so many relationships isn’t worth the pain of losing them after all. although i’ve spent the year trying to convince others and convince myself of the opposite. change is scary.
and as i sit here in my room i would like to attribute this bittersweet feeling of nostalgia — this nauseous feeling of not having completely moved on from high school and now saying goodbye to university friends, to someone, to something. the end of the year, perhaps. ends of years always make me feel that way. but something i’ve realized is that there is no one to blame. you can’t blame God. you can’t blame the person. you can’t even blame the circumstance. because you know what — although the horrible feeling of saying goodbye is real, it is only my own fault for not getting out of the mire and letting go of the past. letting go doesn’t mean stop caring, but it does mean giving 100% to the people that surround you at the moment — everyday, till the last minute you’re with them. it means to be 100% fully there when you’re somewhere, rather than living in the past.
and it’s easy to isolate yourself. it’s easy to sit in your room turn up the slow jams and reminisce, throwing your future self a pity party. it’s especially easy when you have a pile of work awaiting effort you just do not want to give. but i guess that’s not recognizing that the end of something is the beginning of something else. of new things. of firsts. and its not treasuring all those new blessings God has placed in your life. it’s not living moment by moment, fully appreciating each moment and the blessing in every breath. and it’s hard. it is so hard. but no one ever said that life would be easy.
high school was like some idyllic ending to a years-long summer camp. maybe because we were all living on the promises that we’d keep in touch, i don’t know. or maybe it’s just that high school never really ended. when we’re back in toronto it’s like we re-live high school normality all over again. but this, this is like some terrible season finale on a prime time drama, where some main character leaves for somewhere and you’re not sure they will be back for an episode in the future.. maybe not at all. you can’t be certain. this is what it is like. summer camp, but more tragic. i don’t know, that’s a horrible metaphor. sigh.
aren’t you glad that God never leaves us? cause i sure am.
i don’t think i can take anymore goodbyes.
Filed under: ace
i am a self proclaimed ‘bad-breath-a-phobe.’ there was a point and time during my younger days where i would go through a pack of gum in 2-3 days. it got to the point where my addiction to breath mints rivaled my friend’s addiction to weed…
but i think after 2 years of mints, gum, unceasing brushing of the teeth and recently.. the use of mouthwash, i think i’m finally comfortable and confident that my words won’t be followed by a wall of odour that screams… ‘i just downed a block of goat cheese.’
but just a couple of days ago i saw this guy sitting by himself and i was like, why not introduce myself? why not do a good deed and reach out? and so i approached him, introduced myself and he turned, smiled and said
“_________”
see… i actually have no recollection of what he said b/c all i heard was the narst stench coming from his mouth. being my usual clever self, i took out my gum, popped one, and casually offered him a piece as well. he politely REFUSED my offer, and instead started talking again. at this point and time i almost freaked out at him… but instead i just pretended to need something from my bag and walked away.
and so, the moral of the story… brush your teeth after every meal. and if you’re offered gum… most of the time, its not a polite gesture on their part, but a last ditch attempt to save the conversatoin from your breath.
Filed under: jubilee
i was reminded the other day of the importance of a singing a new song in our walk with Christ. before i continue, let me explain myself — it’s not about the physical. it is not crucial that we find or write a new song to express the now.. both old and new “tunes” can suffice. but the concept of singing a new song is that old songs can become new again. that we are willing to let God’s grace teach us lessons that we thought we thought we had already mastered. it’s recognizing that we, in fact, have not learned those lessons completely yet, but that God’s grace catches us every time we fall (because we think we know it all) and prods us to continue to seek for a deeper life.
and then we are revitalized again as we rediscover and relearn things (that we thought we knew about God) for the first time. again. and again. and again. and again.
i think often in our spiritual walks, or at least in mine, i find that i come to a point of “maturity” in life where i say to certain spiritual lessons.. “been there, done that” and i assume that i know what God wants for my life in a certain situation or circumstance. but i’ve found that there is no joy in knowing. after a while, just plain knowing gets old. because the material is old. the songs are old. the words that i speak in my heart and from my lips are old. but once i get up off my high horse and come down, i come to a place where i’m ready to admit that i don’t know everything or anything… and then God’s joy is again revealed to me.
i find time and again that joy comes from learning. from being the person absorbing what someone more knowledgeable has to say and think and seeing how that truth is revealed in my own life. and that someone is not just anyone.. although brothers and sisters have a lot of wonderful things to say.. that someone is God. who once i lay my heart at His feet and am willing for Him to teach me, truly teach me — without interjecting all the things i think i already know about Him into what He has to say — i find that He renews old words for me, He places in my heart a new song! and it is so wonderful that my heart can’t stop singing again of how great God is.
how great He is — regardless of circumstance, our own shortcomings, the big things and small things that affect our life. it’s not about that. He is not great because He fixes the bad things that happen to us. He is not great because He provides a way. He is not great because He has a plan. He is not great because he showers us with blessings. no. He is great because that’s who He is. isn’t that amazing?! it just absolutely confounds me!
now i’m not in the habit of pasting long long passages or songs to follow an already sizable post. but i found this and thought that there was no part in it in which i could create a break. so here it is. the whole psalm. because it’s not only the first two verses that are important — but what follows after as well. sing to the Lord a new song!
Psalm 96
1 Sing to the LORD a new song;
sing to the LORD, all the earth.
2 Sing to the LORD, praise his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
3 Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
4 For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
he is to be feared above all gods.
5 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the LORD made the heavens.
6 Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and glory are in his sanctuary.
7 Ascribe to the LORD, O families of nations,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
8 Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
bring an offering and come into his courts.
9 Worship the LORD in the splendor of his [a] holiness;
tremble before him, all the earth.
10 Say among the nations, “The LORD reigns.”
The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved;
he will judge the peoples with equity.
11 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
let the sea resound, and all that is in it;
12 let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them.
Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy;
13 they will sing before the LORD, for he comes,
he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness
and the peoples in his truth.
Filed under: ace
everyone has that one thing that they’re always unwilling to do… but the only reason why its their ‘thing’ is b/c they’ve yet to bargain it away for something that they deem ‘worth it’. and when you figure out what that person’s thing is… it becomes the ultimate test of bargaining on your side… and resolve on the other. what usually happens is… you put your thing on the line for something glorious… something that will net you not only instant joy and satisfaction, but full out acknowledgment of defeat from the other person… this wonderful prelude leads us perfectly into the other day when…
roll up the rim season has begun. new hopes are raised as old defeats are put aside… my friend won a donut and dared me to to shove a blueberry fritter into my mouth. me, being the fun loving chap that i am, graciously agreed to her little game… but i, also being the master of the bargain, asked her to wager something… her ‘thing’… which is… apparently, singing in front of an audience. she viewed this as a price that was way too steep and was about to back out of it when i stupidly offered to wager something as well. she, being the hateful person that she is, wanted me to put give up… my thing, which is… my weight.
now i think i have to interlude with an explanation before i keep going, or else you’re gonna think i’m either a little panzy girl, or a narcissisitc guy…
i’m definiitely the latter.
moving on… to summarize. if i was able to shove an entire blueberry fritter into my mouth, and eat it, she would have to sing in front of an audience. and if i failed… i would have to eat 12 donuts of her choice… in one sitting. in otherwords… 12 more blueberry fritters. for those of you that have never frequented a timmy’s… thats 17 grams of fat x 12 donuts. to put that into perspective… thats 3 days worth of fat… and then some. the lard that you would take out of that you could probably put together and make a statue of… ok thats irrelevant. and so if i lost i’d basically be this giant ball of skin and lard… which isn’t too far off from my present state… but thats another story for another day.
anyhow. i agreed. and i won. i’m awesome.
the moral of the story… never use your ‘thing’ as a bargaining chip… you’ll always lose. unless you’re awesome, or you rig it in your favour.
sorry friend =)
Filed under: Gray
Walking in front of a forklift is bad for your chemical health and saftey.
Filed under: Gray
A bus turned the corner, hope fluttered like a butterfly within my heart. Could it be? Was it true?
A collective groan went up from the crowd of students around me. It was just another city bus. Coach Canada was over half an hour late… yet again.
When the buses finally arrived, I gathered my things and bustled over to the emptiest one. Shut down. The bus driver wouldnt let me board until the other 2 buses were filled first. I grabbed my stuff, moved to the next bus. It was full. I grabbed my stuff, moved to the final bus, and there was one spot left, right in the very front beside a nice lady who had conveniently piled her life onto the ‘vacant’ seat beside her – the seat that i was now expected to squish my hind-parts into.
People often say that i get this look on my face when i am highly irritated or fuming mad. You know, the if-anything-else-goes-wrong-i’m-going-to-break-something look. Yea.
So i’m sitting there, fueling my anger by hating on the buses for being late, the bus driver for making my life so difficult, the cheap eddie bauer duffle bag strap that brokeded and the STUPID pebble in my shoe, man.. that stupid pebble, that probably angered me the most, dont you HATE that? yea. i hate it so much.
2 hours later, the bus rolled past the City of Kingston sign and all hatred and malice in my heart disappeared. Seeing that sign had triggered a feeling of nostalgia and longing within me, in the midst of all my whining and complaining, it had finally hit me. That was the last time i was ever going to pass that sign as a student at Queen’s. This is it, the last 2 months of my undergraduate career, the last 2 months of what some say are the best years of one’s life.
and then my eyes flickered to life as a new realization hit me. I had spent the past 2 hours snarling about how i had been served a dish of injustice by the world, big deal right? but how many times over the past 3.75 had i chosen to meddle in frustration and self-pity, while blinding myself to the blessings that surrounded me?
How many minutes and hours had i wasted away being all whineyMcWhine-sauce when i could have spent those times enjoying the many blessings that this place had been to me?
I had entered university with very few expectations and even fewer resolutions. One however was to live life to its fullest, leaving no room for regret. After passing that sign, the past 3 years flew through my head. Had i really left no room for regret?
i couldnt in complete honesty say that i did.
I have 2 months left here and though i have failed multiple times in the past, I choose to live these months to the absolute fullest. To live a life of joy, of hope, of praise to Him who has given me so much. Quite simply, I choose to live instead of letting life fly by as i sit, stagnant and still.
there will be no more “what if’s” or “what could have been’s”. There will be no more regret.
I blinked and 3 years passed by. If I blink again and my time here is done. So I choose not to blink.. i suppose that explains why my eyes are all watery and crap these days.
i knew kingston was small, but dang.
Filed under: ace
so last night i was playing nba live 2006 when my friend passed this message through msn.
‘friend’: I’M GETTING MARRIED!!!
unfortunately for her… or me (however you wanna look at it) i was so involved in the game that i didn’t get the msg until an hour later… when someone else was like… DUDE ____’s getting MARRIED!!! i was like… whoa what? why didn’t she tell me? and low and behold… there it was. at first i was a little shocked, and then i was overcome with this incredible happiness b/c oh my goodness… SHE’S GETTING MARRIED!
and so we were giddily messaging each other, and then she logged off and i was talking to another friend and some very interesting questions were brought up….
is it too early? are they ready? etc etc.
what exactly is too soon anyways? i mean, is there a set time frame where it is no longer ‘too soon?’ and as soon as its no longer too soon… when is it ‘too long?’ i’ve had friends get married at 18… my best friend from high school was engaged at 19… and i also have friends who have been dating for, well… longer than the duration of most marriages. what’s the norm when it comes to something like this?
i guess its something that’ll never really be answered but here’s ACE’S TIMEFRAME for when to tie the knot.
when the following still happens… its still too soon:
– you look at her, and all you see are roses, other pretty flowers, and more roses..
– words like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are still a part of your daily exchange
– washing the dishes are ‘a joy’
– the words ‘no honey, that dress looks…. good on you’ are still coming from your mouth
– walking her home in the subarctic kingston winter is ‘your pleasure’
– you’re digging her baby fat
– you actually wear what she buys you
there are so many more… but i think for the sake of my own sanity and the few remaining friendships i do have… i’ll stop here.
now… when the following happens… you should’ve been married last year…
– you look at her, and all you see is your chef and laundry girl
– words like ‘shut up’ and ‘SHUT THE FRICK UP’ are a part of your daily exchange
– you use plastic cutlery b/c she’ll make you do the dishes of there are… dishes
– you always have $10 in your wallet so that no matter where you are, she can cab home.
– you’ve signed her up for weight watchers
yes yes i know i know… i’m not really leaving a lot of room to maneuver… b/c it only seems like there’s a 3 day window where you have to propose… or else you fall into the latter group. but not really. i believe that you can stay in the ‘right’ time for… ever.
now… when the following happens… you know that you’re ready.
– you look at her, and you see every flaw about her, and yet… you love
– you’re still have that $10 in your wallet, but you’ll never use it
– you go to the gym with her… or just buy a bowflex =)
– and most importnatly, in spite of the nagging, whining, complaining, dramaqueen-esque exchanges, when you can wake up in the morning, and you are thankful that you have her… then its real. and you’re ready.
Filed under: jubilee
when we were younger…
friends weren’t almost dying of cancer.
brothers didn’t get sent to rehab for drug abuse.
classmates didn’t drop out of university because they felt they weren’t good enough.
solid relationships didn’t fall apart.
teachers didn’t leave school because they were too sick to teach.
parents seemed to always know what to do…
people in the news were just faces.
cemeteries were for people we didn’t know.
when we were younger…
the world was our stage… and boy, on it did we ever play.
it was like tomorrow was either rosy, or it was like it would never come.
if we had a question, grown-ups knew how to answer it.
when we were scared, grown-ups where always there to comfort us or give us a lollipop or two.
we were shielded from the horrors of life because they were considered “too much” for our innocent eyes.
but tell me really…
when innocence is waning, will happiness be sly?
it is yet an unanswerable question.
but you know… there is something that i realized about being younger…
it isn’t really living life.
my friends will tell you that i’m one of those people who tries to make the world we live in a world of sunshine and lollipops. i ignore all the bad things and make believe the good. perhaps i am. or perhaps i was. that’s how i am with movies (but that’s another story for another time… i will make one point though.. movies are supposed to be an escape!!) but now… i’m not sure. as afraid as i am of the world’s horrors and the helplessness of aging, i can’t say that i would trade this all in to live my whole life as my younger self.
my younger self was selfish, foolish, and more selfish.
my younger self really never knew how to love anyone but herself.
(now i’m not going to say that everyone is like that… maybe it’s just me..)
but with all this growing up, i’ve come across one piece of wisdom that i think will take an eternity to fully understand. yet it is this one piece of wisdom that will take me there — to eternity i mean…
i look at all these things around me, all the horror of growing up and i am reminded that
this world is not my home. my life is not my own.
and because of Jesus, there is a choice to perish but a chance to live.
*sigh* + wow… + what?! all at the same time…
it’s starting to dawn on me (in yet another new light) that my life is worth nothing but to proclaim the salvation of the Lord. because truly.. the choice to perish is a choice. in a way, it’s something i control because it’s within my nature to perish. but the chance to live is truly a chance because Someone took a chance on me.. on you.. on us.. and extended His hand of life by dying our death… wow Jesus. wow.
so there it is: why i think we need to grow up. when we were younger
… (or at least when i was younger) salvation was just a concept. but now as a “growing-up” (i’m not a grown up quite yet =)), salvation becomes life itself.
Filed under: jubilee
so i had the weirdest dream this afternoon as i was attempting to read wuthering heights — me and my family were fugitives.. running away during a war. i have no idea what brought this on. perhaps the violent and tragic atmosphere of the english moors in the novel but thoughts like these always bring me back to the thought — would i be able to stand up for God if i was to be physically tortured for it?
oh how my mind would love to be able to instantly say ‘yes’, to say that i am not afraid of death, not afraid of pain, not afraid — just not afraid. but as much as my head knows, and in many ways my heart as well, i’m not so sure i could have the courage to stand up in the face of persecution and it disappoints me so much to say that i would not be able to do that for my Lord.
if courage is not the absence of fear… if courage is not some reservoir that you build up each day… then what is it? what makes scared people be able to stand up for Christ even when facing execution? whatever it is… i want it. not for my own satisfaction, but so that i can fully say to the Lord that i am truly His.
Filed under: Gray
I like to consider myself a pensive person. I am sure that if asked, most, if not all of my closest friends would list thoughtful, caring and sensitive (to name a few) as some of my most glaring characteristics.
And as history dictates, all great thinkers have their proverbial thinking spots. Newton his apple tree, Einstein his sailboat, and me, I have my lavatory.
It’s no lie, a great majority of the thinking i do throughout the day occurs in the washroom. Some find this strange, but they dont matter.
Anyway, as i was sitting in one of the stalls in the library pondering over the issues of Her-2/neu expression on breast cancer-derived cell lines, a man walks in.
But before i get to that, I should give a little background on a game i like to play when my brain needs a little rest from all the thoughtfulness. When I shake people’s hands, i sometimes think in the back of my mind, “i wonder how well he washed his hands after peeing, and not the notorious turn on the tap for 2 seconds and wet your fingertips to instill a false sense of cleanliness wash, but like washwash with soap and the works”. So while i’m doing my thinking in the washroom, i like to compare the number of poser-handwashers to the hardcore-dryskin-handwashers.
Today happened to be a day when i was playing this game. So i became still as a leaf on a wind-less day. and i waited.
He finishes his thing. walks over to the sink… but instead of turning on the tap, he continues past the sink and walks to the paper towel dispenser, grabs some paper towel, wipes his hands dry, then walks out.
Now, being a guy, i’ve done some pretty dirty things… and so when it comes to bathroom etiquette, i’m quite lenient. You dont use soap? thats fine… heck, i’m even fine with you not washing your hands at all, cuz i understand that some men have been gifted with the ability to pee freely with their hands on their hips.
Honestly, not washing is gross but it can be excused if you really didnt touch anything, OR nothing splashed on you, but if the splashage was so pronounced that you had to DRY your freaking hands off on a paper towel as you walked out, thats just straightup nasty.
2 weeks have passed since that fateful day. Needless to say, the game no longer brings me the same joy and happiness that it once did.
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The origins of greatness
The Core 